Welcome to Parlsylvania

Am I the only one who has noticed an eerie resemblance of the actors in the creep show that has become the Liberal Party of Canada to cast members in a vampire movie? Maybe a Lon Chaney picture or even worse, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or worse still, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I apologize for making such a cheap and obvious comparison, what with the entire cast of this reality flick drinking our blood and picking their teeth with our bones. But, the resemblance goes well beyond metaphoric standards. These folks really look and act like a cast from a 50’s B movie, with the Peace Tower serving as a suitable gothic stage.

Wild-eyed Tony Valeri, the Liberal House Leader, appears straight from the vampire digest; slightly graying slicked-back hair and a toofie grin that appears ready to expose fangs at any moment. Sort of George Hamilton in “Love at First Bite”, but without all the plastic surgery.

And no one in any fangs film has ever been better cast than Anne McLellan as a shrieking banshee. Has anyone ever seen her in front of a mirror?

I can’t help but picture Scott Bryson as Eddie Munster: cute, friendly, and pint-sized, but behind that cunning smile are little canines just emerging from the gums. Very scary.

Paul Martin would be a great Frank N Furter, but frankly, the thought of the PM in fishnets is far too terrifying to imagine. Given his seeming harmlessness and frequent bumbling, I think he’s a better Count Floyd from SCTV.

And of course, we need to include Belinda. Fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer will well remember the episode when she went over to the dark side. Shortly after this, the show was cancelled.

Up against this monsters’ gallery is Stephen Harper as Van Helsing, committed to their destruction; a cross in hand to keep them at bay, staring them down with ice-blue eyes, equipped with a quiver full of pine stakes and a bandolier of silver bullets.

All of the vampire movies I ever went to had a happy ending. I wonder if this one will. But of course what’s happy for the vampires ain’t happy for the townspeople.